This weekend was great! My mom approached me about throwing my sister a baby shower, even though this is her sixth child. She argued that it is nice to have something new for your baby whether you already have hand-me-downs for them or not. My part was to set up the date and extend the invitation on Facebook. It turned out that not only could all of us sisters come, but Cosette as well. Toni is still too far away and too poor for something like this. She was working at the salon where she is learning to become a nail technician, which is pretty popular down in Cedar City. I hope she and Danny can increase their earning power so they can begin to afford more of these activities in the future.

We had the party and it was really fun. We kicked all the “Y-chromosomes” out the door, at least we tried. Christian and Ben got together to take the Gibbs boys to fly kites and see some foxes that have a den in a local park. I don’t know where Robert took his boys, but they were gone too. We opened the presents and played a couple of games, and visited and had fun. Cosette brought Bennett, whom I hadn’t seen since Christmas and whom I hadn’t been sure I would see because of family problems. Later, Cosette approached me about sitting, saying that she and Austen wanted to have a date night. I ended up getting to keep Bennett overnight and take him to church with me today. Cosette has given me permission to take Bennett to volunteer up at the Park this summer. When I told Taryn about it she was excited. Along with all this, I felt a tug of guilt that I didn’t go get Christopher for church this week. I am going to try to take both him and Bennett as often as I can, even if it means both at the same time. I plan to have Jesse help with that.

Yesterday was a Face to Face event with President Henry B Eyring and Elder Jeffrey R Holland. This evening, Jesse and I tried to watch it. Lately Jesse seems to be very tired all the time. I don’t check on him during the night to see if he goes to bed when he’s supposed to, so it could be that he isn’t being honest about how much he’s sleeping. Either way, when we tried to watch the Face to Face for our Sunday devotional, he couldn’t seem to stay awake. I finally turned it off and told him we’d break it up and watch it in segments because I want him to get the messages. They really are fabulous and so relevant for today’s youth and the challenges they face.

I was also really inspired by the latest blog written by the Author Jason Hague. He’s a pastor from Oregon that has a son with pretty severe autism and he writes beautiful poems and compositions about his experiences. This time it was about how his son has something he keeps at home that helps ground him. When out and about, the boys mind is always on the beloved toys at home waiting for him. When he feels the desire to return to home and to his happy place, he asks for this toy, which he refuses to risk taking out of the house. The point where his father whispered in his ear, that after they finished what they had to do first, they then would go home was poignant. The son was comforted with the promise that he could return to the safety and comfort of his beloved home soon. He simply needed to be patient a little while longer. The completion of this post can’t be paraphrased and still done justice, I have to share it here:

Jack wiped his eyes and turned back toward the couch where his laminated pictures sat. That was all he needed the rest of the night. All the kids in that room have their coping mechanisms. Jack’s are actually quite simple. He just needs a reassurance that we haven’t forgotten about him, and that things won’t be that way forever.

Indeed, that is a truth we can all settle into. Life can make us anxious and angsty. Irritants can masquerade as emergencies. And soon, everything turns frantic.

At such times, we need to a good reminder of the temporariness of things. Life might seem acutely exhausting right now, but it won’t be like that forever. There will be better days when peace returns, joy comes roaring back, and the air around us smells like home again. First, the hard stuff, then the break. First pain, then home.

All it takes is a whisper from our Father.

This hit me powerfully as I often think about how hard life is, and how sometimes life feels long. There have been times I felt weary of life and I wished I could go home too. Home to my Father above and the peace that is all too hard to find in this world with its turmoil. Often in the past I have felt I wasn’t good enough, I wondered if I were destined to be forever lost from my heavenly home. As I learn more about my father in Heaven I have learned to trust in his plan for me and the Atonement for a hope to return home. In his talk He Will Place You on His Shoulders and Carry You Home, President Dieter F Uchtdorf said:

It matters not how completely ruined our lives may seem. It matters not how scarlet our sins, how deep our bitterness, how lonely, abandoned, or broken our hearts may be. Even those who are without hope, who live in despair, who have betrayed trust, surrendered their integrity, or turned away from God can be rebuilt. Save those rare sons of perdition, there is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored.

I have this belief in my heart that before I came to earth, I was promised that He would place in my life those experiences that would help me turn to Him, come to know Him, and return to Him. Every experience is an opportunity to see His hand in our lives. Each trial is a chance to turn to Him for comfort and guidance. I feel that Christopher’s life is a visual example of how this process can work. Major milestones in his life have been marked by Priesthood blessings.

When he first became ill, Christopher was promised a slow recovery. The word that jumped out at me at the time was “recovery.” With that blessing I knew he would not die. He was to live, and he did. Sometimes his prognosis looked grim. Often he amazed the staff at Primary Children’s Medical Center with his progress. His life is a test. For him, for you, and for me, it stands as a testimony of the Hand of God in our lives.

A few years later Christopher became ill again. One morning he didn’t wake up. He was breathing, his temperature was normal. Everything appeared normal except for the fact that we couldn’t wake him up. We took him to the emergency room and they began investigating his symptoms. Over the next several hours we were able to arouse him briefly, and get some half-asleep type responses, but he wouldn’t fully awaken. Over the next few days, and a couple of aggressive procedures involving his shunts and intracranial pressure later, he was still very much the same. We didn’t understand what was causing his symptoms. The family held a fast for him, and soon a question occurred to me. The question, which I don’t even remember now, had to do with how his brain was affected by his Sturge-Weber syndrome and it appeared to be unrelated. I asked it purely out of curiosity. The neurologist I asked was nice enough to investigate the answer for me by taking another look at Christopher’s scans to see if he could see whatever it was I asked about. A few hours later he returned with the discovery that Christopher had had a stroke. It had not been detected because of its position in his brain. With this answer came the understanding of how to proceed with his treatment. Once again, prayer was the answer to our question.

Only recently, Christopher was once again ill with a life threatening disease He was given a blessing before a surgery, promising that he was going to live a while longer. This statement in the blessing was something unexpected, because we were expecting this to be a ‘routine’ procedure. Since he’d been promised life, when he developed the infection I didn’t worry over whether he would live. I know he is in our Heavenly Father’s hands. The blessing went on to state that his time was not yet, BECAUSE THERE IS STILL SOMETHING HE IS HERE TO TEACH OTHERS, and they have more to learn. I think, maybe, that means me.

I believe that before I was sent away here to earth to learn and be tested, I was given a promise. He promised me that He would send the exact trials that would draw me back to Him. He wouldn’t let me wander and become lost. My trials have been hard sometimes, but they have been good for me. I have become so much more because of the Atonement which allows me to be tried, fail, repent,  be forgiven, learn, and try again. My trials are specific to me, and what I need to experience, to become more like Him. President Uchtdorf also said:

Our Savior, the Good Shepherd, knows and loves us. He knows and loves you.

He knows when you are lost, and He knows where you are. He knows your grief. Your silent pleadings. Your fears. Your tears.

It matters not how you became lost—whether because of your own poor choices or because of circumstances beyond your control.

What matters is that you are His child. And He loves you. He loves His children.

Because He loves you, He will find you. He will place you upon His shoulders, rejoicing. And when He brings you home, He will say to one and all, “Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.”

I’m not good enough. That doesn’t change. But I have faith in Him and His plan for me. As long as I continue to try and follow Him, I still have a chance to return to Him, and to return to peace and joy. It is because it is HIS plan, and it is perfect. I have something at ‘Home’ that grounds me too. It is my Father in Heaven, He who gave His perfect son, so I am not forgotten, and I can return home again. When I need that reassurance, I need only ask in prayer, “Are you there?” I feel the sweet spirit whisper that I, too, can return home soon.